A Visionary Diva

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Trying To Keep On Going

Okay this is only my third entry and I am just not feeling this whole thing. I miss JLand. I am still upset about the banners/ads. Someone found a way to hide or eliminate the banners or something. It seems to me that in times like this you will really tell who your friends are. I figure that your friends will really try their best to keep in touch with you. So many ppl. in JLand began making lists to keep track of where everyone was going. *sidenote: it seems like I can't hit the enter button to make another paragraph so this freakin entry has to be on long statement* I read a comment the other day that a JLander who I consider a nice person wrote. She said that she is just laughing at us. Especially the ones that think that they are sticking it to AOL because they leave their journals. Honestly my feelings were hurt and I was outraged. She went on to say how sick of our journals she was. How she was about ready to delete all her alerts. My response to that ERASE MINE AND QUICKLY. If this is the type of things you are thinking when the alert comes then you shouldn't read the journals and we definitely shouldn't read yours because it seems to me that when I read other ppls. journal I am really interested in what they have to say. What is going on with them. The JLander also said that if we don't have friends offline we are pathetic (or something to that nature). My mouth hit the floor. Let me tell you for some online and JLand is all they have. Not because they are pathetic but because JLand has been there for them through hard times. Because they have grown to know JLand outside of online. It is so sad that we have JLanders who are so mean. I would like to believe that I try to be accepting of everyone. It is not my place to put a label on someone because they have friends online. That ain't my business or my place. I like those who like me. And for this JLander to talk about the whole community when I know for a fact we have left many nice comments and concerned comments on her journal is worse than stabbing someone in the back. We are all entitled to our opinions so I won't say that what she said was wrong because it was her opinion. But these are my feelings. I love JLand and if I am the only friend someone has then I am privilaged that you picked me. Thank You.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What is It???

Today Dre and I went to counseling. Since our old counselor left it has been a struggle to get up and go. The guy we meet with is nice. I am getting used to him. Dre and I have only one of two options stay together and fight with everything in our minds and bodies to make it work or leave and move on. I personally would love to spend the rest of my life with Dre. We have a family and maybe one day I would like to add to that family. However I can't go through my life being unhappy and settling for contentment. I want happiness and I think after 10 years of being committed to him I deserve that much from him. I know that Dre loves me I just think that when you go through your entire life with no responsibility it is kind of hard for someone to jump right into it. I think that as women we have no problem with it. We handle the feelings of being overwhelmed in a totally different way. We get things done and think about the rest later. Our feelings always take a back seat if the "time is not convienent" At this point in my life all I want is some happiness. I just want some peace in my life. I want a man to do what he says he is going to do and nothing more. Sometimes I wonder what it is that keeps us in this world. I mean for some of us it is shear happiness and love of life. We have family that we can't live without and mates that light up our days. But why do the rest of us stay here. Why don't we create a island away from everyone that has ever hurt us and those that could maybe one day hurt us? I guess because without companionship we are nothing. Since I have been here in Indiana I have met very few people. The girls at my job and a classmate is about as deep as it gets. But without those three people I don't know if I would have made it. See they don't know what happens in my life. I don't feel like I am close enough with them to discuss all of my business with them but they make me laugh through all of my pain. They share their stories and I think "thank God I don't go through that." See even when you are going through so much and you wonder what you are doing here you realize it could be a whole lot worse than what it is now . I am determined to get married to Dre and have a happy life. Today he said something really ground breaking......if we can get through this if God will bless us to make it through we will be together for the rest of our lives. Keep the prayers coming for us.
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Everyone everywhere are disgusted with AOHell. I wonder though with all of us leaving JLand if that will make a difference to AOHell? I mean when you look at it we will be loosing our journals but we will still be paying them for the service each month. This is ridiculous. We should be allowed to decide whether we want the ads on our journals. AOHell should not have that power.
Anywho, since trying to help Dre deal with the death of his grandfather and plus trying to make us work I have since started smoking again. This weekend I am going to go and buy me something to help me stop smoking. I need to for me and my kids. I am gaining weight which is a health risk in itself and then to add smoking to it is a death wish and I know this. I have stopped in the past. Everytime I found out I was prenant it didn't matter if I had a fresh pack or just one left I threw it away and stopped. I guess that is how I fooled myself into believing that I am not addicted to smoking. It is a sad thing for me to admit/realize it but I am going to do something about both the weight and the smoking. I hope that I get to see all of my JLand friends here and that we can still keep in touch.

Much Luv
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